D.O.N.E

Today I received my 12th and FINAL chemo infusion! I will have to have a blood draw and check-in with Dr. Brennan every 3 months and a CT scan every six months for the next two years. Definitely manageable.  It was a huge sigh of relief to get get the "goodbye" from Dr. Brennan, unhook my port from the IV, and walk out the door.

A kind neighbor gifted me this beautiful bracelet (from Fort Thomas Central) and when I put it on the impact of the word survivor really sunk in for the first time.  I am now officially a "Cancer Survivor." An identity that I am not quite used to yet but one of which I know I will some day be really proud. There are a lot of emotions that I have put on hold during this journey in the interest of inner strength to press on and now that I am on the other side I am starting to really grasp what we have been through. I know over the course of the next few months, as my body and mind recover, I will be able to search and understand those feelings at a greater depth.

For today I am resting in God's faithfulness, not only that I was able to be healed physically through the miracles of modern medicine and dedicated doctors and nurses. But, also, that He was present every day, every hour, every minute through his earthly daughters and sons. Since I have been in the habit of posting cheesy song lyrics on this blog I will go ahead and top everyone off with another (and this one is extra cheesy). There is an old Alabama song called "Angels Among Us" that has been whispering itself in my brain the past few days. They go like this:

"I believe there are angels among us. Sent down to us from somewhere up above. 

They come to you and me in our darkest hour to show us how to live, teach us how to give, 

to guide us with the light of love."

I can't think of any other words that more accurately describe my feelings about all of the support we have received over the past 6 months. To those of you who have written cards, sent gifts, cooked meals, babysat our kids, listened to us vent, or prayed for us... you have literally been our angels. You propped us up when we couldn't stand on our own. Truly, you have done the work of God whether you acknowledge that or not. Thank you isn't enough but it is all I have.

There are three people that I want to call out specifically: 

Bradley. He has listened to me me fret and feel sorry for myself while gently leading me back around to positivity. He has watched me physically balloon into a bloated, bald mess while all the while encouraging me (read: lying through his teeth :) )that I am still beautiful to him. He has spent many extra nights waking up with Mae for bottle duty. He has been brave for the both of us at the countless appointments for scans, surgeries and chemotherapy infusions. He has been everything one hopes their spouse means when they vow "in sickness or in health." This experience has certainly been an exercise in strength for our marriage and we have prevailed. Thanks be to God.

Mom and Dad. There are no words for they way they have supported us. I am fairly new to this parenting thing and am only just beginning to understand the depth of sacrificial love that the job requires. My parents have embodied this in the truest sense and have set a beautiful example of servanthood for us and our kids. Without hesitation they opened their home to us, toddlers and all, and have accepted the night time crying, mealtime messes, mountains of toys and general chaos with which we come. They made space in their busy but peaceful lives and happily accepted the tornado that we are. There is no greater gift.    


Thank you again for every kindness you have shown to me and my family over the past 6 months we are forever grateful. Please continue to pray for us as we make adjustments to get back to our "regularly scheduled" lives, and for the many others who continue to fight the good fight against cancer.  

Love, Love, Love,

Liz

Guest Post: Almost There!

It's almost time to celebrate! Liz has only 1, yes O-N-E chemo infusion left...woohoo!!!  She received the news on Monday that in addition to a clear PET scan, she also had a clear CT scan and there is no more cancer to be found!  Praise God, praise God, praise God!!!

On Monday, December 1st she will walk out of that clinic with chemo behind her, and a full life ahead of her.  Very full I might add! I just spent the last few days visiting her and my family up in Fort Thomas, and full it is.  Life with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old is bound to be filled with lots of laughter, tears, joy, frustration, patience, impatience, fun, exhaustion, and diapers, diapers, diapers.  Until I was able to be with Liz at her infusion, I was not able to fully grasp the extent to which she has handled all of this so admirably, with such grace and fortitude.  Seeing those chemicals drip into her body, drip by tiny drip, for hours on end and seeing how each drip took away another bit of her energy with each drop and YET she walked out of that clinic went home and still had to be happy, encouraging, enthusiastic mommy to Austin and Mae that very afternoon.  I can't imagine still having a good attitude and remaining cheery, and perhaps most amazingly still being patient with my young children while feeling so ravaged by the chemicals that are literally designed to kill the cells of the body.

Living in Texas and mainly just hearing about Liz's experience over the phone, in some ways for me, it was able to seem like life wasn't all that different.  Liz still took the kids to the park, still found time to go to things like the pumpkin patch and the county fair, a trip to Michigan to say goodbye to our Aunt Laurie who passed into the next life after her own battle with cancer, and all the while kept life quite normal for Austin and Mae.  The thing is I don't know how she did it! How did she muster the energy and endurance to continue life as nearly normal for her two sweet children?  The answer is simple: sacrificial love.  Liz set aside her own needs for her children many, many times over the past 6 months in a way most of us will never do.  I saw her get out of bed after her chemo infusion as soon as her kids arrived home, despite feeling completely drained, weak, and "out of it" from the chemicals and act as energetic as possible as she played with Austin and gave him a bath because he wanted "mommy to do it," as she cuddled Mae and praised her for crawling, as she's just starting to hone that skill.  You can tell, when you really look and observe, that Liz is so very fatigued, but it is beautiful to see the way she presses on.  I will always treasure the example she has given to me of perseverance, positivity and love.

With a 22 month old and 6 week old, I can't tell you how many times over the past 22 months of parenthood that I have felt sorry for myself, thinking "oh poor me, I can't come home and take a nap...I have to wait to eat dinner so I can feed the kids...I have to wake up and feed the baby in the middle of the night...I have to pick up ALL these toys...do ALL this laundry...go to the grocery store AGAIN?"  How petty those things sound, and how embarrassed or even ashamed I am that I complain about such minor inconveniences when I see the ways that Liz has continued to do all of those things and so much more while undergoing a battle against cancer, enduring 6 months of chemotherapy.  Liz nor any of us would have ever imagined her going through something like this at such a time as this, and thankfully it will soon be in in the past. You can never know quite how you will handle something until you go through it.  I couldn't be more proud of the way my sister has handled her cancer journey.

Last but not least, the other remarkable and inspiring part of these last 6+ months has been the many, many people that have shown unending love and support to Liz and our family.  So many have brought meals, helped with the kids, offered prayers and encouragement, sent cards and packages, run errands, and helped in countless other ways.  It has truly been God's provision for our family.  We will be forever grateful for the way that so many were a part of bringing Liz and all of us through this journey.

So mark December 1st as a day of celebration! While the affects of chemo can take up to 6 months to fully subside, it will be downhill from there. It will be the day that Liz will be able to say that she is finished with her chemo treatment and she is cancer free!

~Tina Hubert (Liz's Sister)

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him!" Psalm 28:7

Over the Hill

Oops... I haven't written an update in two treatments! We've been busy, busy, busy with the kids on the weekend and I've been using weeknights to rest up for the next day. The last post was written before I had my mid-treatment PET scan to see whether the cancer was hanging around. Fortunately,  I received the news that the PET scan showed no signs of cancer! I still have to finish out my chemo regimen but I will not have to do any radiation. We are so thankful!

Today I am "Over the Hill" with my treatments. This is my 7th treatment (out of 12) so from here on out I have fewer treatments behind me than ahead of me. A small milestone but a milestone worth celebrating nonetheless. My blood counts continue to be good and we are moving right along. I should have my last treatment on December 1st (party anyone?). It will be a beautiful thing to close the book on 2014 and start fresh with a new year cancer free.

Something I have been experiencing is the weekend weepies.  On the Friday and Saturday after I receive a treatment I have what I can only describe as little bouts of depression and anxiety.  I don't know if this is from the chemo or if it a product of coming off of the steroids at the end of the week or if it is just a psychological reaction. But, it consistently comes around, then, come Monday I pop back to "normal."   I considered an anti-depressant but decided against adding another drug to my body's chemistry. Since I know it is coming I am able to keep it in the front of my mind that this is temporary. The kids make it easier and more difficult. Easier because we are chasing them around and I don't have time to think about myself. More difficult because we are chasing them around and I don't have time to think about myself :)

Other than the weekend weepies I have just been dealing with the tiredness. My eyes are getting big dark circles under them and I have been gaining weight from the steroids. The mirror is not my best friend. Again, all temporary.

We have been continued to be blessed by the support and encouragement of friends and family. Thanks to everyone for continuing to let us lean on you!

Grace my Feet and Faith my Eyes

I am sitting in the “chemo suite” receiving my fourth chemo treatment today (that will be 2 rounds down!).  I have been great as far as blood counts go and have been able to receive treatments on schedule.  I will get a PET scan done a week from Friday which will tell us if there is still enough cancer hanging around to require radiation.  Our prayer is that the scan will be clean, radiation won’t be necessary, and that I can continue on with chemo. I never thought I would be praying FOR chemo.  But, studies are beginning to show that the long term effects of radiation are a bigger negative than the effects of more chemo.  So, here we are, praying for chemo.

My side effects have been mild in my own estimation when I hear others experiences and what it could be like thought I know it is cumulative and could get much worse. For now it is not worse though so we can be thankful for that.  It has primarily been tiredness and some mild nausea. I have also had hot flashes, mouth sores, and a metallic taste in my mouth. All pretty typical side effects. My hair is very short and a bit patchy but not all the way gone.  The last I wrote I was nervous about the side effects of the white blood cell booster and, praise the Lord, I have not had any achy bones. The doctor said if I didn’t experience it the first time around I will likely not experience it at all. So forward we go.

The little ones continue to be oblivious to the bump in the road that our family is working through. Thanks to generous people in our lives, the lives of the kids have been able to continue on as normal and they don’t seem to be aware that mommy is sick.  Mae is now 9 months old. We are still tweaking her sleep schedule and trying to find a way to get her to wake less during the night. We haven’t had a 12 hour stretch yet but I think we are getting close. What a relief that will be when we can all get a full night’s sleep! We are almost through that first year mountain that some mommy's love but I really hate. Give me a toddler any day (maybe I won't be saying the same thing when I've got 2 of them)!

“Keep 'em coming these lines on the road, and keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. Keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise, and I’ll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.” – Caedmon’s Call – Faith My Eyes

These lyrics come from a song by the band Caedmon’s Call (it is Christian music with minimal cheese, is that possible?). It is a beautiful song that I have come back to again and again at different points in my life as a motivator and reminder of where to fix my eyes when things get rocky (though it should be ALL the time). It is about how tough it is being far away from your physical home, family, friends and familiarity.  When I went through my short Peace Corps stint as well as my first year of law school in Philadelphia I found it very meaningful in the literal sense.  However, now I am also finding it applicable in the figurative sense of being in a new place in life and feeling “far away” from the familiarity of my “normal” self. The last part has become a mantra of sorts, “I’ll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.”  Perhaps you will find it meaningful too.

We Are THANKFUL for:

•  Summer! Sometimes it is just the small pleasures that bring the most joy. Being able to enjoy things outside has been one of those small pleasures for us. 
•  
• Reconciled Relationships. Through this journey thus far we have had the opportunity to reconnect with several people in our lives with whom our relationship had fizzled over time. We are thankful that God is using this situation as an opportunity to reconnect.
• 
  
• Friends and Family. Always, always, always. Old friends and new friends. Family close by and family far away. We are receiving so much love.

Haircut!

Right on schedule, my beloved hair started to fall out this week.  I could run my fingers through it dry and come out with a good amount but where I really started to see it come out was in the shower.  For a few days I had been getting fistfuls of hair in the shower and decided that I was ready to see it go.  It is kind of traumatic to see it slowly come out by the handful.  From my perspective it was better to cut it off on my terms and be prepared than to have to rush to get it cut at the last minute.  So, cut it we did.

Some of my favorite women rallied together and really made it a fun experience. These friends are special because we met as teenagers working at summer camp together (almost 15 years ago!).  Anyone who is a summer camp person knows the unique friendships that are born from hot summer days spent outdoors.  There is no friend in the world quite like a camp friend.  They made t-shirts and filled a basket with snacks and lotion and magazines and other things that I can use throughout my treatments. They also made necklaces with the date exactly one year from now engraved on them that came with the promise that we will get together on that date and celebrate when this is all over. That is friendship.

Special thanks also goes out to Emily Cook at Salon – Image, Body, Spirit in Oakley. She was so generous with her time and was really sensitive to the situation. Thanks Emily!

Bradley has also been a trooper. This has to be a difficult experience for him too but he has been so supportive with it working hard to make me feel like the whole hair thing is no big deal.  I am blessed by his constant love and encouragement.

I have been reading a book with Austin called "Nowhere Hair" that talks about mommy losing her hair because of cancer. I was hoping it would ease the change for him.  He enjoys pointing out his favorite hats in the book and saying "I like that one."  This morning when he woke up I was wearing a head scarf and he kept asking me to take it off but he wasn't phased one bit by the short hair.  

Now that it is done and over with I am trying not to be too sentimental even though it is tough to see it go. However, I keep it in perspective by reminding myself that this is my trade-in for getting to live!  Without the miracle drugs that make me lose my hair I wouldn’t have the privilege of being around see my little loves grow up. With that in mind… bring it on!

2nd Infusion - July 14, 2014

     I received my second chemo infusion yesterday... one full round finished! My port was installed last Thursday (see the picture below) so set-up was much smoother and less painful. Bradley started out with me this morning then tag teamed with Emily (Amerine) Kelly who brought lunch from LaRosa’s.  I took a nice nap after lunch, had a good conversation with Liesl Grause (an old friend and Hodgkin’s survivor) on the phone and before I knew it I was ready to go home.  

 

Some of my blood counts were low so I am going to have to start taking a white blood cell booster (Neulasta) on the day after every treatment. It causes achiness in the bones for many so this is an unfortunate addition to the treatment regimen but not out of the ordinary. Add another set of side effects to the pile!

The meals have continued to roll in which has been a HUGE blessing from our community of friends. It saves precious time so that we can devote attention to the little ones instead of having to plan, shop for, and prepare meals every night. For those who have already brought a meal and to those who are set to bring one in the future, I truly cannot thank you enough. It may not seem like much but it is literally gifting us time to love our babies and there is nothing more valuable than that. 

Speaking of babies. It has been a rough week so far with the sleep situation. Mae has been waking at least twice a night and last night she was up almost the entire night. Bradley, being the good daddy and husband he is, hung right in there with her and even walked away with some of his patience left.  Austin hasn't given us much of a break either. He woke up Monday morning at 5 AM (thanks Gramps for getting up with him!) wanting to talk about Johnny Cueto. I think it was a little leftover excitement from going to the Reds game on Sunday! We could all use a little shut eye around here.   

“Give thanks to the Lord, because he is good; His love endures forever… Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.” Psalm 107:1 and 43.

The "…" in the verse above is a collection of stories of God’s faithfulness. It is a reminder to us to always live our lives in a posture of gratitude making every effort to incorporate giving thanks into our day to day. With this in mind we wanted to include some things we are thankful for in these posts both to declare our gratitude in writing and to share that gratitude with our extended community.

My Parents.  They have graciously opened up their home and rearranged their entire lives both literally and figuratively to support us during this time.  We couldn’t do it without them.

Chemo Drugs.  Though the drugs make me sick, without them we would be facing something much more grim. How lucky we are to live at a point in history where a cure for the Hodgkin’s in my body is not only possible but highly probably.

Daycare. It is such a burden off our backs to be able to send our kids to a place where we know they are loved and cared for each day.

Our prayer requests for this week are for:

• Healthy little ones that don’t bring home germs from daycare (yeah right!)
• Sleep for everyone!
• Energy to be Mommy and a good patient and work
• Minimal side effects from the Neulasta
• God to reveal himself to us in new ways this week

First Infusion - June 30, 2014

June 30, 2014

My first day of treatment went by fast.  Not bad for having to sit around for 5 hours.







Like I wrote in my prior post, the whole experience was a lot like it is portrayed in the movies. The treatment room is a bright and sunny and is lined with recliners. When we first got there I was one of only two people in the center.  By the end of the afternoon every one of the 15 or so seats were occupied. People chatted quietly with their visitors, slept or read. It makes you wonder what their stories are. 

Dr. Brennan wanted to start my treatment right away so I didn't have time to get a port (portacath) installed.  For those unfamiliar, a port is a device that is surgically placed under the skin on your chest through which chemo can be infused and blood drawn. It is much easier and less painful to have a port so that they don't have to place an IV every time. Since I didn't have a port they had to run an IV through which the drugs were delivered. I received "pre-meds" (steroids, anti-nausea meds and benadryl) before the infusion started. Then the actual chemo drugs.  The typical regimen for Hodgkin's is a four drug combination of Adriamycin (the Red Devil), Bleomycin, Vinblastine, Dacarbazine. The list of side effects for each is a mile long and flat out ugly.

Bradley stayed with me for the morning.  He is a faithful watchman.  Once I was settled in he let me rest. I cuddled up with my soft blanket, messed around on my computer and listened to music on my headphones.  I could only feel one of the medicines burn as it was going in (it left a trace of my blood vessel up my arm!). It was surprisingly comfortable considering my veins were literally being filled with poison. Mom brought me lunch and by that time I was really sleepy so I spent the rest of the day dozing.  They claim that you can drive yourself home from chemo if you want to but I just don't know how that is possible.  My head was so cloudy I probably would have failed a field sobriety test. 

Since that first treatment, the most significant side effect I have experienced has been fatigue.  I have also experienced loss of appetite in the couple of days following treatment, gotten mouth sores, had tingly fingers, and a weakened immune system which resulted in a nasty chest cold on the 4th.  My hair is still here but not for long.

With all of the messages of love and support I have gotten from family and friends my first day chemo wasn't so bad.  It is not going to be an easy 6 months but I know I can do this.

How did we get here?

Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Stage 2A. How did I get here? 

It had been about 7 months since Mae was born and I was ready to lose that baby weight I was still holding onto. Jillian Michael's to the rescue! I started doing her videos a few times a week and after a few weeks I started having some pain in my neck.  One evening after my workout I was explaining the pain to Bradley, thinking it was related to the new workout routine, and reached up to touch my neck. There was a lump there! Hmmm, what could that be? We did a bit of Googling and decided it would be best to make an appointment with the doctor ASAP.   

The next morning I visited the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office.  After consultation with the doctor she decided to order an ultrasound of the area.  The ultrasound results then led to a CT scan.  I had the CT scan done on the literal eve of my 30th birthday.  I remember laying on the table thinking, "What a way to ring in a new decade of life!" The next day I anxiously awaited a call from the nurse with the result from the scan.  When I talked to her she assured me that the scan showed a collection of swollen nodes but that they weren't overly concerned and thought I should wait it out a month or so to see if it would go away on it's own. Relief! It can't be a big deal if I am advised to wait around for a month, right?

So I waited... three days. I talked to an ER doctor friend of ours about the situation and he suggested not waiting, I should get it biopsied right away. Though he is typically one to under-react to these types of things after spending so many years in the ER, his sense of urgency wasn't enough warning for me so I still didn't do anything about it.  I then ran into the same friend a few days later and he more strongly suggested the biopsy. OK, OK, I will do it.

I made an appointment with a general surgeon for a biopsy consult on Tuesday, June 17th. I didn't think the consult would be a big deal, turned down offers for people to accompany me and went by myself.  However, it did turn out to be a big deal.  The surgeon was fantastic (Dr. Kevin Grannan at Group Health if you're ever looking for someone).  He was kind but honest. He told me after reviewing my chart that we should consider it to be lymphoma unless the biopsy could prove otherwise. Whoah. I had been Googling "swollen lymph nodes in the neck" for a few weeks now and knew this was where it could be headed but isn't Googling medical conditions really just an exercise in worst case scenario anxiety? Nobody ever actually has what those medical blogs suggest, right?  We wouldn't be sure for two more days.  In the meantime we did some crying and some worrying. Two of the things I resist the most in this life, for those that know me well. 

Thursday rolled around, Bradley took me to Good Sam early in the morning for the biopsy.  We thought we wouldn't get a result until after the weekend but Dr. Grannan graciously walked the removed node down to the lab himself and personally waited for it to be tested. Within 30 minutes of coming out of surgery he was able to confirm... lymphoma... Hodgkin's. It wasn't one of those big shocking moments with lots of tears. It was just a matter-of-fact statement by the surgeon taken in by us as a matter-of-fact.  Thanks to Dr. Grannan for being honest about what suspicions his experience had taught him so that we could digest the probability for two days before the actual diagnosis. But, now here we were. It is cancer, it has a name.

By Monday we were meeting with Dr. Brennan, my oncologist. It is still weird to say, "My oncologist." The typical course of treatment for Hodgkin's is 4 months of chemo with treatments every other week. Then, a PET scan. If the PET scan shows no cancer, then 2 more months of chemo and done.  If the PET scan shows the cancer is still around it will likely mean some radiation.

The remainder of the week I went through a series of tests to confirm the diagnosis and get some baseline measurements of lung and heart functions to be used as a reference further down the line in my treatment. As a result of all of the testing, Dr. Brennan confirmed Hodgkin’s stage 2A. 2 because it is found in two or more lymph node groups (in my case the left neck and left underarm).  A because I am not presenting with any symptoms.

I received my first infusion on June 30th, exactly one month after my 30th birthday.  That experience is also deserving of its own post so I will save that for a different day.  My hopes with this blog are to: (1) keep family and friends up to date on my physical and mental progress, (2) provide myself an outlet for processing my thoughts on this new journey, and (3) provide a history for my kids so that I have something to give them when they ask me what it was like 15 years from now.
 

Lots of love.